KingNoble
Wants to post porno but is too noob.
King Noble
Posts: 23
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Post by KingNoble on Jun 19, 2005 5:09:01 GMT -5
1) There's was a wedding for some couple and they just got married, so you know what all the people do when they get married the go on the honey-moon so they had their honey-moon at the husband mom's rich house, his little sister was eaves-dropping them she went to her mother bedroom and said mom what's going on in their? Mom, said honey their making cake. So the next morning the little sister asked the newly-weds what were yall making cake last night, they said uh yeah how did you know?
-Because I licked the frosting off the sheets!
2) Their was a regular family that lived in the country and there was this one boy, his name is Bobby. Bobby had to get milk for his mother, he went outside and got the milk but kicked the cow. Next morning, he went downstairs for breakfast, he has cereal and asked where's my milk for my cereal, his mother said you kicked the cow no milk for a week, after breakfast he went to go get eggs from the hen, he finished getting the eggs but he kicked the hens. So the next morning he ate breakfast he asked where's my eggs, his mother said you kicked the hen you don't get egg for a week, his father walks down the stairs and kicks the cat. The boys says...
- Should you tell him or I? (No Pussy For A Week)
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pkpxtgtxiky
Realized bots are controlled by humans after trying to cyber with a cyborg.
Posts: 8
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Post by pkpxtgtxiky on Jul 15, 2005 10:55:16 GMT -5
Way to count to three jokes. But still hella funny.
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powerbgg
Since I'm on the guest list... out of the way NEWBIE!
Posts: 104
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Post by powerbgg on Aug 9, 2005 10:53:49 GMT -5
Bug-B-Gone
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover,"into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband however became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom, discovers the man in the closet.
Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone."
"What are you doing in there?"
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!" Crawling in the wrong places
It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. When Heidi started to go into labor she called "911". Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide eyed 3 year old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again!" Fun with Doctors
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came." Frank Loves His Bears
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?" True Politics
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t." Can You Please...
One day three guys in florida were walking down the beach when they heard a woman yell out, "Hey You! Come here". So the one of the guys said "Who me" and she answered yes. So he went to her, and he realized that she had no arms or legs, and was bedazzled. She said will you put sun tan lotion on me please. Feeling guilty he said yes. So he did it. The next day they were walking farther down the beach when they heard the same thing "Hey you! Come here." So the same guy went again. She said will you kiss me? Starting to feel uncomfortable, he did it. The next day the same three guys were walking, but this time on the other side of the beach, to avoid the armless and legless woman. Then out of no where they heard the same voice with the same line, say "Hey you! Come here." Extremely angry by his unbelieveable unwanted luck he went again. The lady said will you screw me. Highly agitated already, he said of course. She started to smile, as he picked her up. He took her a little way into the aqua blue water and tossed her in, and said "Now you're screwed!"
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powerbgg
Since I'm on the guest list... out of the way NEWBIE!
Posts: 104
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Post by powerbgg on Aug 9, 2005 10:54:20 GMT -5
This young rich man was looking for a wife, and had narrowed his choices down to 3 women. He couldn't make up his mind on which one he should marry, so he tested them. He gave each woman $5,000 to see what she would spend it on.
The first woman went out, bought furs and jewels, and blew all the money on herself.
The second woman put half of it in the bank, and spent the rest of it on herself.
The third woman bought herself a dress, and many, many gifts for the young man.
Given these facts, which woman do you think the young man married?
Answer: The woman with the biggest tits, of course!
Jim decided to propose to Sandy. However, prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12-year-old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I, too, have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis”.
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
"Yes it is...8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions...
The first guy says, " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist
The second guy says, " I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... Double Income, No Kids Yet."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know.. Rich, Urban, Biker"
They turn to a woman and ask her, "What are you? "
She replies, “I’m a WIFE; you know...Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc"....
A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex”.
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night, the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later, the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed, he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog”.
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either”.
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time”.
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis...fifty times."
One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess”.
A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit, the youngster looks over at the elephant.
After a few seconds, he turns to his Dad and asks, "Dad, what's that hanging down from the elephant?"
His father replies "That's his trunk son”.
"No, no, Dad," says the boy, "at the back”.
"Oh, that's his tail," replies his father.
"No, Dad," the boy says, "Between his legs."
The father looks over and replies "That's his penis, son."
The young lad thinks about the answer for a minute, and then says to his father "Last week Mommy told me that was nothing”.
"Well son," replies his father, "You have to remember that your mother is a very spoiled woman”.
A 60-year-old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" asked the mother.
"Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV.
"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm going? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!"
Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, so she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."
When the first man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?"
"$75 dollars," said the first.
The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess.
The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she charge you?" asks the first two.
"$20 dollars" replies the third.
The first two start laughing hysterically.
"Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!"
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Post by powerbegg on Aug 9, 2005 11:45:40 GMT -5
This young rich man was looking for a wife, and had narrowed his choices down to 3 women. He couldn't make up his mind on which one he should marry, so he tested them. He gave each woman $5,000 to see what she would spend it on.
The first woman went out, bought furs and jewels, and blew all the money on herself.
The second woman put half of it in the bank, and spent the rest of it on herself.
The third woman bought herself a dress, and many, many gifts for the young man.
Given these facts, which woman do you think the young man married?
Answer: The woman with the biggest tits, of course!
Jim decided to propose to Sandy. However, prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12-year-old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I, too, have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis”.
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
"Yes it is...8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions...
The first guy says, " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist
The second guy says, " I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... Double Income, No Kids Yet."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know.. Rich, Urban, Biker"
They turn to a woman and ask her, "What are you? "
She replies, “I’m a WIFE; you know...Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc"....
A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex”.
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night, the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later, the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed, he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog”.
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either”.
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time”.
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis...fifty times."
One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess”.
A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit, the youngster looks over at the elephant.
After a few seconds, he turns to his Dad and asks, "Dad, what's that hanging down from the elephant?"
His father replies "That's his trunk son”.
"No, no, Dad," says the boy, "at the back”.
"Oh, that's his tail," replies his father.
"No, Dad," the boy says, "Between his legs."
The father looks over and replies "That's his penis, son."
The young lad thinks about the answer for a minute, and then says to his father "Last week Mommy told me that was nothing”.
"Well son," replies his father, "You have to remember that your mother is a very spoiled woman”.
A 60-year-old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" asked the mother.
"Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV.
"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm going? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!"
Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, so she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."
When the first man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?"
"$75 dollars," said the first.
The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess.
The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she charge you?" asks the first two.
"$20 dollars" replies the third.
The first two start laughing hysterically.
"Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!" IP: Logged powerbegg Newbie Supreme * member is online
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Joined: Aug 2005 Posts: 4 Karma: 0 Re: Three Sexual Jokes « Reply #5 on Today at 12:43pm »
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